If you were asked to make a mental depiction of God, what would you imagine? Would you take the more literal side, and picture a human? Would you think more symbolically, such as a light that represents God’s presence? Would you depict Him through His miracles? When I was a little girl, I desperately tried to get a mental image of what I thought God supposedly looked like, but I did not have the slightest clue of where to even begin. I felt that I could not “know” God fully, because I could not picture to whom I was supposedly speaking or praying to. As I was reading Confessions, I began to feel an odd sense of connection to Augustine, due to his inability to gain a perception of God through his senses, thus resulting in strong difficulty in his attempts to truly know and understand God.
Many individuals use their senses to perceive the world. Sight, sound, taste, and touch are all sensory devices used to contribute to an understanding of any given object. What happens, however, when one tries to understand something without being able to use any of those devices? When understanding something to which none of the senses can be applied, such as God in particular, one must attempt to apply reason to lead oneself beyond any physical attributes. The soul in any human demands perceptions of the senses; therefore, one must apply faith, rather than any real sensorial grasp to have any hope of understanding.
In the text, Augustine questions the gift of memory, and how it can be applied to understanding God. Memories, however, are usually retained from actual experience, including but not limited to images, sounds, and other sensations. How could any individual use any given memory to depict, and therefore understand God when no one actually has any such experiences retained?
Throughout elementary school, I seemed to experience some of the same problems as Augustine. Growing up in a Catholic school, I went to Mass with my classmates every Thursday. Additionally, my class and I would learn about various religious subjects daily for thirty minutes. I recall learning and discussing several different biblical tales, as well as speaking about God, and always pondering what I thought He looked like. All of the other kids in my class seemed to have a decent understanding or depiction of God in their minds, and I always wondered why I could not seem to understand Him or what I did wrong to not grant me the ability to understand. Although I was baptized a Catholic (in second grade, might I add), my parents were not exactly religious. They only attended Mass when I was receiving some kind of academic or citizenship award in the service, and we never spoke of God or any faction of religion at home. I desperately wanted to make a connection with God, but I felt alone in the fact that I could not seem to understand Him. I was often asked questions pertaining to the religious subjects we were studying in class, but I rarely felt knowledgeable enough to answer them. When the other students learned of my virtually non-religious background, they began to yell insults at me, frequently saying that I was not a Christian, or that God did not love me. Augustine felt that he could not know God because he could not gain a sensorial perception of Him, which exactly paralleled my situation in elementary school.
In the text, Augustine realizes that true happiness lies with God. Therefore, he recognizes that God cannot be understood through any perception with the senses, or even any emotion, but through happiness that remains in the memory. Although I was not fortunate enough to come to that realization in elementary school, I was content to imagine God through my own happiness and know him through my own understanding. As I read Confessions, I felt a true connection to Augustine, and am thankful that we both seemed to be able to overcome our religious obstacles and gain a non-sensorial perception of God.
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